Dear Answer Key: STFU

After studying for the MCAT for almost two months, if there's one thing I'm growing tired of besides studying the MCAT, it's sassy answer keys.

and not the good kind of sassy

It goes like this: I see a problem. Oxidation-reduction equations. Titration curve problems. Whatever. And I flip out, because that's what any normal human does when confronted with a chemistry problem. And then a tiny neuron at the back of my brain goes: no! no wait. . .

yes, I have anteater-shaped neurons

And suddenly I know I know how to solve the problem. I am an oxidation-reduction genius. I could titrate HCl with my hands tied behind my back and my eyes blindfolded. I am Einstein and I am taking the MCAT and nothing has ever been easier. And, champ that I am, I go to the next problem. And the next. And the next. And then I hit the answer key. And I have gotten almost every question wrong.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Everything is in vain."

Alright. It's OK! I say to myself, attempting to back away from a panic attack as if from a cliff. It's OK! This is a hard test and you're still figuring things out. This doesn't mean you won't be a great doctor. Who are these MCAT creators, anyway? Who do they think they are? Do they think the complexities of the doctor-patient relationship can be condensed to a multiple choice test? What is medicine coming to?!?


In a matter of minutes, I have effectively transformed all my anxiety into anger. Or what I think is anger, until I read the answer key explanations, and realize the true nature of fury.

 and it looks a little like this

Example Answer Key Solution:

1. (D) This is a very straightforward item that asks us to determine the identity of Compound A. Simply by looking at Figure 2.0 we can easily deduce that the 766 cm IR signal is from a meta-disubstituted aromatic compound that includes a highly electrophilic halogen and an isopropyl group.

bitches be flippin'

First of all: WHAT. 

Second of all: "Straightforward?" "Simply?!" "EASILY DEDUCE?!?" Don't even play, answer key. There ain't a single straight, simple, or easy thing about that problem. (Nor, in fact, is there anything homosexual, complicated, or prudish.) 

And so instead of rereading the problem, noting my mistake, and attempting to improve next time around, I begin to verbally abuse the answer key:

What are you without me, anyway? My stupidity is necessary for your very existence. You should be reveling in my ignorance, answer key! Screw you and your smarmy explanations! You know that in the real world you don't have all the answers. You couldn't last a single day in my shoes, answer key. I didn't take the MCAT to make friends. I can see straight through you. You can leave anytime you want to. Here, let me help you. . .

in the shallow end, where you belong

But you know what they say: the best vengeance is an MCAT score above a 33.